I just realized I’ve been following Jesus for nearly 25 years. That’s a quarter of a century! I think that rocks. I don’t think I’ve ever done anything for that long except breathe.
I didn’t start here though. In spite of growing up in a Christian home, I spent my entire life searching for God. And when you look that hard for something, you’re eventually going to find it.
Turning 10
When I was about 10, I remember looking around and wondering why we were doing so much on one day a week. It didn’t make any sense to me. My family was active in church, and I enjoyed the activities. They were comfortable. They were safe. I knew what to expect every week.
But something inside me wanted more. I wanted to break free of the status quo and be surprised by something. Granted, at the prepubescent age of 10, everything is kind of a surprise so I’m not quite sure what I thought I was missing. All I knew was: There’s more and I’m missing it.
But I was a dutiful, obedient lil’ overachiever. I had a lovely family, and I led a charmed life. I played the piano, loved to read and write, and I enjoyed playing Barbies with my friends.
But in the silence of the night, my heart ached to know what I was missing. And I couldn’t explain it to anyone, because I didn’t know what the elusive “it” was. If I said anything, I probably would’ve ended up in kiddie therapy or something. I buried my wondering in books, writing, making “As” and school activities.
Exploration
When I went to college, I viewed it as a time of exploration. It was the ’80s and the Me Generation and, in between studying, I really believed it was All About ME.
I had fun. I made mistakes. But through it all, the questioning never stopped. The ache in my heart just got stronger, bigger. So I began exploring a number of spiritual paths.
During college and a few years after, the hole in my heart seemed to take over. The ache was incredible. I kept searching for God on these spiritual paths, but I couldn’t find him. I doubted him. I doubted myself.
Then, a friend invited me to a church with a large singles group. Though I viewed it as a social opportunity, I had no idea that it would change my life.
When invited to a Bible study, I politely declined saying, “No thank you. I don’t know anything about the Bible.” The guy nicely said, “That’s why we study it. So we’ll know more about it.” I was intrigued and I didn’t know why. The next Sunday, I told him I’d attend the Bible study under the condition that he didn’t call on me or even look my way. He smiled and said okay.
The study was on Philippians, also known as the book of joy, and that’s exactly what I found. It was the first step to discovering the most important relationship in my life.
Discovery
When you search for something all your life, you know when you find it. When I discovered Jesus, I knew. When I said “yes,” I knew. When I went to bed that night, I knew. When I woke up the next morning, I knew.
And I’ve known every moment since.
What a relief! God took me — a depressed, pathetic, neurotic pile of bleech — and he changed me.
I certainly haven’t led a perfect life. I never will. But now I have the confidence to say out loud that
I’m not scared anymore.
I don’t have to pretend anymore.
I don’t have to be brave anymore.
I don’t have to be in control anymore.
And I don’t make myself crazy anymore by running around trying to fill the hole in my heart because now, I understand what True Intimacy is.
It’s no coincidence I found Truth. I’d been searching for it all my life.
I don’t even believe in coincidence anymore. Because I know that God’s hand is on my life and that everything — even the little stuff and the not-so-great stuff — is perfected by his fingers of Love before it ever touches me. That brings me great comfort. It lets me live a freer, richer, more peaceful life. And isn’t that what we’re all searching for?
It’s your life. Listen well.
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