Category Archives: communication

Writer’s block and bad first drafts

Posted on June 2010 | 2 Comments

This is the third in a series of posts on writing. So far, I’ve addressed writing distractions and the role television and reading play in your writing. Today’s entry is about the mysterious writer’s block and crappy first drafts.

The myth of writer’s block
Pssst, come closer because I’m going to share a really big secret with you:

Writer’s block doesn’t exist.

Did you get that? Let me repeat it — Writer’s block doesn’t exist. It’s simply a figment of your over-active imagination and your natural resistance to writing. Diane Ackerman sums it up nicely:

Writer’s block is a luxury most people with deadlines don’t have.

As a working writer, I can confirm this. When I was younger, I believed that I was supposed to experience blocks. I thought artistic suffering was simply part of great writing. Then I had to start paying rent and buying groceries, and my perception changed dramatically.

When someone pays you money to create, you create. Period. You don’t think about how you feel or how much sleep you got or whether your boyfriend just left you or if your stomach hurts. You just create. Why? Because deadlines are looming, creditors are waiting and your reputation is on the line. And this leads into our next reality.

Bad first drafts
Ernest Hemingway said, “The first draft of anything is sh*t.” Anne Lamott says all good writers write “sh*tty first drafts….This is how they end up with good second drafts and terrific third drafts.”

When folks tell me I’m a good writer, I say, “Thank you. But I’m really a much better editor than I am a writer.” All great writing is rewriting. The only reason you write a first draft is so you’ll have something to edit.

Bad first drafts are the perfect remedy for your fictitious writer’s block. Get it down on paper. Get anything down on paper, no matter how stinky you think it is. Set deadlines, goals, rewards or whatever it takes to get your pen moving or your fingers typing.

Most importantly, accept that the world’s greatest writers had to shovel a lot of manure to get the job done. Accept that you, too, will have to do some serious shoveling if you want to get to your fantastic third draft. Because once you accept it, you can calmly sit down, shut up and write.

Wishing you a refreshing, productive day of shoveling!

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Posted in communication, creativity, writing

Tagged communication, creativity, flow, writing

Writing, reading and the lure of television

Posted on May 2010 | 5 Comments

In my last post, I wrote about the importance of removing distractions in order to write. Today’s entry is about writing, reading and the role that television plays in getting any of it done.

Writing and reading go hand-in-hand. Good writers are generally good readers. Through reading we discover what makes us laugh, what makes us cry, what touches us deeply.

Once we know what makes us feel, we can begin to apply it to our own writing. I’ve read passages that were so beautifully written that they — literally — took my breath away.

I love to read. Problem is, I sometimes think I don’t have time for it. Then I discover that I’ve fallen into the television trap. Again.

I find this fascinating for a couple of reasons. First, I have a low threshold for television. I don’t like committing to anything that has the potential to turn my brain to mush.

Second, I don’t have much television anyway. I’m probably one of the 100 people left in America who need a converter box to watch TV. By not investing in cable or dish, I don’t feel obligated to turn the television on. And I really like that.

Passivity and TV
Don’t get me wrong, though. If there’s a program I like, I watch it. Then I click the “off” button. There’s nothing wrong with enjoying your favorite television show. The key is to turn off the tube when the show is over.

While I know this, I still manage to engage in passive television watching. I sit down to watch a certain program and suddenly, four hours later, I realize I haven’t gotten off the couch.

Yet the lure of television is non-existent when I’m eating right, exercising, getting enough sleep and spending time with the important people in my life. When I take care of myself, my couch is empty. When I get off-schedule, though, I’m lucky to get in a decent meal. My exercise consists of strolling from the Lazyboy to the couch to the bed.

In an effort to get back to reading a lot and writing a lot, I’m giving up television on June 1. Why?

May sweeps are over, and there’s nothing good on TV anyway.
New movies at the theater and on Netflix are available.
It’s summer! We should all be outside, playing in the pool, grilling out and more.
Less TV means more spare time and more opportunity to do something you truly enjoy.

I’m sure I’ll check out the new fall television season, so this break is only for a few short months. Why don’t you join me? Who knows? You may actually like having a little more spare time in your life!

Wishing you a refreshing and productive day — Happy Summer!

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Posted in communication, creativity, reading, writing

Tagged communication, creativity, reading, writing

Shut up and write

Posted on May 2010 | 4 Comments

This is the first of a few posts that I’ll be doing on writing.

My creativity partner and I are studying a great book called The Lie that Tells a Truth by John Dufresne. This guy tells it like it is.

Dufresne addresses the deep inner resistance we all have to writing. After suggesting some writing exercises, he says:

“The easiest thing is to put off writing because you have a headache, or because the phone rings, or the person from Porlock is at the door, or the clothes need to be put in the dryer, or Kmart’s having a sale on motor oil, or the bills have to be paid. Disregard it all. If you fail repeatedly at this exercise, (Dorthea) Brande says, give up writing. Your resistance to writing is greater than your desire to write….Why force yourself to do something that you don’t want to do?“

Shut up and write
In Writing Down the Bones, Natalie Goldman offers my favorite advice for writers:

“It’s important to have a way worked out to begin your writing; otherwise, washing the dishes becomes the most important thing on earth — anything that will divert you from writing. Finally, one just has to shut up, sit down, and write.”

Dufresne and Goldberg make excellent points:

Avoid the distractions, and practice writing.
If you can’t find time to do some simple writing exercises, writing may not be your “thing” and that’s perfectly okay.

If you think you want to write but discover that you can’t seem to find time to write, ask yourself:

What do I like best about writing?
Do I truly enjoy the act of writing, or do I like the idea of writing?
What am I writing now?
Can I transfer my current writing skills to a new type of writing? EX: Technical papers require research and organization. Can you use these skills to move into creative nonfiction? Perhaps literary journalism, memoir or personal essay can be a first step before you move into fiction and poetry.

Writing is a straightforward process. You stop procrastinating and you write. That’s it.

Have a refreshing and productive day, and good luck with the writing!

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Posted in communication, journalism, writing

Tagged communication, journalism, writing

Wanted: Face-to-face communication

Posted on April 2010 | Leave a comment

Recently, someone asked me if I was registered for the upcoming Social Media Success Summit. I replied, “It’s a great conference and I learned a lot last year, but I’m passing on it this year. I’m kind of webinar/teleconferenced out.” She said she understood this completely.

It’s true, I did learn a lot from the national experts last year and I would heartily recommend the summit to anyone who asked.

So why didn’t I sign up?

Because I’m tired.

Don’t get me wrong — I’m not tired of learning. I don’t think I’ll ever get tired of that.

But I’m tired of doing so much online. After staring at a computer screen for hours and hours, I don’t want to stay online any longer than necessary. Each work day, I relish the moment I get to shut down the laptop and settle in with a good book.

I can feel my spirit rebelling. I’m actively calling people to get together for coffee. One-on-one. Face-to-face.

I’ve been scheduling long-distance calls with my Creativity Partner for years, why not start scheduling a few minutes for coffee? It’s faster and cheaper than lunch or drinks!

Maybe I need this because I feel overwhelmed by deadlines. Maybe it’s because I feel uncreative. Or maybe it’s just because Spring is in the air.

All I know is that I have to change my ways, starting today.

I know you’re busy, but why don’t you take five minutes to have a little eye contact with someone you enjoy? Go on. Do it. You know you want to…

Have a refreshing and productive day!

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Posted in communication, creativity, interpersonal communication, relationships, social media, talking

Tagged communication, creativity, interpersonal communication, relationships, social media, social media marketing

What are you communicating?

Posted on March 2010 | Leave a comment

Take a moment and answer this: What non-verbal message are you communicating to others? What are you “putting out there” as you go through your day?

I can tell you the message that one woman was sending in the grocery store yesterday. It was, “I’m not aware of what’s going on around me and can be taken advantage of. Please come rob me, or hit me over the head and stuff me into the trunk of your car.”

Okay, that’s a little harsh but it’s true. In her oblivion she blocked the dairy section for quite a while, nearly ran into another customer and then me. Later, I almost hit her with my cart when she mindlessly wandered in front of me — It was a good thing one of us was paying attention!

What amazed me was that all she had with her was a purse. No cell phone or iPod or kids were in sight.

While I found that fascinating, I was also concerned. After she checked out (no pun intended), she was going to get into a car and drive. I decided to take a little longer with my shopping to give her a head start and make sure she was in front of — instead of behind — me.

But she’s not the only one. Look around. Between cell phones and texting and managing children in the store or to and from the car, we all function daily with distractions. And these distractions can make each of us vulnerable, whether we’re vulnerable to a preventable accident or to someone with less-than-positive intentions.

So I ask again: What message are you communicating as you walk through the office or run errands?

After this incident, I decided to be more mindful and aware. I chatted with a woman in line at Starbucks, joked with the barista and smiled at an older gentleman as I held the door open for him. I kept my smile on as I went through the day and felt quite energized when 5 p.m. rolled around.

Why not try it yourself? Today, be alert and aware wherever you go and pay attention to the people around you. You”ll not only gain energy and confidence, you’ll probably make someone’s day with a smile or just a little eye contact.

Have a Refreshing and Productive Day!

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Posted in communication, interpersonal communication, non-verbal communication, relationships

Tagged communication, effective communication, interpersonal communication, non-verbal communication, relationships

Communicating with touch

Posted on March 2010 | Leave a comment

Communicating with touch can be…well, a “touchy” subject for some. When I think of communicating with touch, I initially think of hugs, handshakes, shoulder pats and kisses. Sounds nice, doesn’t it?

I recently had a couple of experiences that left me feeling “less than nice” because they were both so unusual.

Example 1
Last weekend, I was standing in line with my box at the post office. Suddenly, the man behind me started pulling on the scarf around my neck. I looked at him and he gave me a weird smile…but didn’t say a word.

I immediately pulled away and gave him my back. When the postal worker called me, I quickly paid for postage and left.

When driving out of the parking lot, the man was leaving the building and staring at me. I asked my mother if she knew him. She said, “No, I don’t. Did he say anything?” I said, “No, and that’s what made it so creepy.”

In this case, a few words instead of a touch would have worked much better. At least I wouldn’t have been totally creeped out!

Example 2
Last week, I was filming a sad and tragic scene that centered around a hospital bed where the son was about to die. I was the grieving mother.

When the director said, “Action,” the guy playing my husband started squeezing my hand so tightly that I nearly screamed out loud. I tried quietly squirming away from him as the film rolled, but he didn’t take the hint.

After the scene was over, I asked him not to squeeze my hand so tightly. He said okay but kept doing it. I asked again, he said okay and kept doing it. Another cast member and a tech guy reiterated what I said but alas, to no avail.

I couldn’t figure out why he kept squeezing my hand so hard. I knew I communicated directly and succinctly, and I knew he was a nice man.

After the next take, I used a firm voice to tell him to stop hurting me. At last, the light bulb went on and we got through the next take pain-free.

In this case, words didn’t work to affect the touch…until they were delivered loudly and intentionally. I said to “stop hurting me” instead of “stop squeezing my hand.” That did the trick. Granted, my poor lil’ fingers weren’t too happy but at least they got a reprieve!

If you want to communicate with touch in a way that’s welcome, hug a loved one. Take a moment to hug your kids, your significant other, a friend or a family member. It’s amazing how this type of communication can encourage someone and quickly brighten their day.

Have a refreshing and productive week!

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Posted in communication, interpersonal communication, listening, relationships

Tagged communication, effective communication, interpersonal communication, listening, relationships, touch

Easy communication clears out the cobwebs

Posted on February 2010 | Leave a comment

I am swamped. Getting hit with deadlines left and right. And it’s all due today. Ugh. In spite of a time crunch, I’ve managed to communicate with a few friends and family members over the past couple of days.

All I can say is: Wow. What a difference! Diverting my attention for even 10-15 minutes clears out the cobwebs and gets me re-focused on the work.

I’m not talking about communicating electronically like email, Facebook or Skype. I mean face-to-face or ear-to-phone conversations that uplift and refresh. Good, ol’ fashioned talking.

Give it a try today. Gotta run, but wishing you a Refreshing and Productive day!

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Posted in communication, interpersonal communication, listening, relationships, talking

Tagged communication, effective communication, interpersonal communication, listening, relationships, talking

Affinity simplifies communication

Posted on February 2010 | Leave a comment

Affinity: A natural attraction, liking, or feeling of kinship

Affinity is when you “click” with someone or a group of people. It simplifies communication — It makes communication easier and encourages camaraderie. And you can’t make affinity happen. It generally occurs with or without your agreement.

If you feel like you’re not “connecting” with folks around you, maybe you need a group that offers you a common reference point.

For example I’m a Texas Ex, an alum of the University of Texas at Austin. (If you don’t follow college football, the Longhorns were competing for the national championship in January.)

I went alone to watch the game with my fellow alumni. I knew I’d find someone to talk to.

I came into a room full of Texas Exes a little late. I chatted with a couple of guys at the bar, who gave me a play-by-play of the game. I then plopped down next to two friendly couples. We cheered together, we despaired together.

Though we came from different walks of life, our common topic — the Longhorns — quickly opened a door to conversation. We talked easily about the game and other topics. Communication with them was a breeze.

I experience the same thing with my improvisation group, ComedySportz. It’s composed of a bunch of zany folks, including actors. As an actor, I sometimes feel like people just don’t “get” me. But with these folks, it feels like “coming home.” We talk and laugh easily even though we come from different walks of life and have different perspectives on life. I love having a safe place to play and hang out with my “peeps.” They mean the world to me.

Sometimes having just one common point of reference can make all the difference in how authentic your communication will be. Look around for your own little Cheers so you can have a place “where everybody knows your name and they’re always glad you came.” It can be a great comfort knowing your peeps “get” you and where you’re coming from…even when other folks don’t.

Lyrics to Cheers theme song
Sometimes you want to go
Where everybody knows your name,
And they’re always glad you came;
You want to be where you can see,
Our troubles are all the same;
You want to be where everybody knows your name.

You want to go where people know,
People are all the same;
You want to go where everybody knows your name.

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Posted in communication, interpersonal communication, relationships, speaking, talking

Tagged communication, effective communication, interpersonal communication, relationships, speaking, talking

A simple, three-step process to give a GREAT Valentine’s gift this year

Posted on January 2010 | Leave a comment

Pssst…Valentine’s Day is in a couple of weeks. In our electronic age, you may consider handwritten notes old-fashioned and outdated. But that’s the beauty of them. Giving a heartfelt note is something completely different and unexpected.

You can tell your loved ones (significant others, parents, children, grandparents, friends) how much you care about them in three steps that fit easily into your schedule. Reprinted from February 2009 newsletter

Happy Writing!

Step One
The first week of February:

Set aside at least 15 – 20 minutes of uninterrupted time. Schedule more time during the week if needed.
Jot down the names of your loved ones.
For each person on your list, quickly write down one or two of their favorite traits, habits or quirks. That includes a wacky sense of humor, making your favorite meal when you’re feeling down, being a good listener, or showing kindness to others.

Step Two
Over the weekend:

Buy a card for each person, or buy enough blank notecards for everyone on your list.

Step Three
The second week of February:

Set aside at least half an hour of uninterrupted time. For each bullet point below, use as many sentences as you need to express yourself fully. This is your note, so develop it as you like. Combine sentences, add traits, reminisce — The choice is yours.

Begin with Dear [insert name],

Describe what you like about that trait(s) or action(s).
> I love hearing you laugh when we watch television together.
> My favorite times are when we get into great conversations while we’re cooking dinner.
> No matter how busy you are, I appreciate the way you always take time to listen to me.

Tell them how the trait/action makes you feel.
> I feel so safe when you hug me after a rough day at work.
> My heart feels so full when I watch you pray with my grandmother at the nursing home.
> I feel so flattered when you brag about me to your father.

Offer a thank you or encouragement to your loved one.
> Thank you for loving me as you do.
> I am blessed to have you in my life.
> How did I get so lucky to have a daughter like you?

Finally, close your message with “Be My Valentine” or “I Love You” or whatever you’re comfortable with…then sign your name.

That’s it! You’ve just given your loved one the most personal gift ever: A message tailored especially for him or her.

Never underestimate the power of simplicity. Consider offering your note with a single rose.

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Posted in communication, etiquette, interpersonal communication, writing

Tagged communication, effective communication, etiquette, interpersonal communication, relationships, Valentine's Day, writing

Authentic Communication

Posted on December 2009 | 3 Comments

Communicating authentically means being yourself when you communicate. It also means communicating your truth to others, whether you’re speaking, writing or listening.

I recently attended a Christmas luncheon that was scheduled from noon to 1:30 p.m. After announcements were made, we all got back to chatting. Then we waited. And waited. And waited.

When the entree was served at 1:15 p.m., it was cold. Guests started to drift out before dessert came and by the time it arrived at 1:40 p.m., about 80 percent of the guests had left to get back to work.

When asked to complete a comment card that would go to the restaurant management I simply wrote, “In spite of slow service, it was worth the wait!” And this was the truth — it was worth the wait because the soup and dessert were quite tasty!

A woman at my table was horrified. “That’s a left-handed compliment,” she said. “I can’t believe you wrote that.” Then I wondered:

Is telling the truth considered rude if you make someone aware of a problem or help them improve?

When I started my business 10 years ago, I sent a survey after a project was completed. I asked clients to tell me about their experience working with me. What did I do right? More importantly, what didn’t I do right?

The second question was more important to me than the first one. I was new to running a business, and I wanted to learn. While I cringed at some of the comments, I appreciated the honesty and worked hard to improve.

What do you do in a situation like slow service at a restaurant or when completing surveys?

Do you speak authentically? Or do you “pretty it up” so you don’t hurt feelings or upset anyone?

If you don’t speak authentically, why? Is there a reason you don’t speak your truth when the goal is to help someone improve or make them aware of a problem?

Click “Leave a comment” at the top of this post and let’s hear your truth! Have a refreshing and productive day!

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Posted in communication, interpersonal communication

Tagged communication, effective communication, interpersonal communication

Category Archives: communication

Writer’s block and bad first drafts

Writing, reading and the lure of television

Shut up and write

What are you communicating?

Communicating with touch

Easy communication clears out the cobwebs

Affinity simplifies communication

A simple, three-step process to give a GREAT Valentine’s gift this year

Authentic Communication

My Favorite Quote

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